Myself.
7/5/17
To those who reading this, you may be my friends, my closest, my partner or my wife. Here to everything I express every single things from my heart. The saddest, happiest and trouble moment. Before that, congratulation for found out this pages.
I was born in 29th June 1997 in Kuala Lumpur and were raised in military family. I supposedly should a sister but she won't exist due to miscarriage. I knew this when I was 9 years old, I may be child but that time I really felt the sadness inside me. If I have a sister, maybe my life would not be broken like this, maybe I could be happier because I have someone that could really cared about me. I had a broken childhood, where I always got beat from my dad, scold from my mum. What I always wanted was an attention and love from my parent. They never supported me in everything I like, maybe if I had a sister, she would always got my back. This loneliness really affect inside me until it created a monster of my own. It kills everything good inside me. Sometimes, I had an imagination that I talked to my own sister, sometimes I created my friends were real in front of me. It always happened when my parent do something bad to me. Everytime I wanted to go sleep, they will come into my life, they all weren't real but I really feel they were with me everytime. Normal? It's not normal when you are 9 years old. At this age, a kid would crave for love from family, attention and sometimes want to be clingy because that is how kid will acted. One day, mum found out that sometimes I talked alone in the room, crying, play toys with to a person that is not even existed. She didn't do anything except bring me to doctor. She somehow were changed, she treat me well better than before but it wasn't that long. After that, she being her old person back again and I start to feel the love and attention that I craved fading away. Few months, she had a mental illness.
As I start to grew up and getting older, the topic of conversation also getting matured. We are not talking about toys or play hide and seek or police and thief. The convo become to life, examination, sports, family and so on. When they start to talk about family, how good their mums, dads, having cool sister, protective brother and I also wanted to have the best stories. I was craving so much attention until I had to lied to myself, people so I can feel the compliments about having good family eventho it is not. It really affect my life until I lied on everything. Should be a super dad but he was an abusive, should be a wonderful mother but she never understand me, should be cheerful sister but she never existed and should be a protective brother but only existed in my own imagination. Sometimes, i cried at school, sometimes I don't feels like home is a home to me and sometimes I wish I never born into this world. Who knew, one day my own mum told me that she regret for having me as her son and dad sometimes he just hope that I walked away from this family and never come back. Those words when they said, it really does leave a deep scar inside me. I will never forget what they said to me. Since that day, my life were changed. I really changed me into real monster. A person that I never expected to be. People said, they don't meant every words that come out from mouth when they are mad. Since I am the only son in the family, childhood did not go well, should they treated me like this? When friends start to leaving one by one then I realize two thing about myself. Unworthy. Useless. When I get new friends, I really excited to have them in my life and I really want to make as a family. Shit happen always to me, they still leaving me and stab me from behind. From days to weeks to months, to years, I immune to all of this. To my friends as I treat you guys as family which is Takleh Relax. You know who you are, if you reading this, I am sorry for everything I did and acted. I realized that you guys wanted to help me through but you can't because of myself always rejecting people opinions and advice. I am sorry for pushing you guys away then blame it to you. I am truly sorry.
On age 15, where on the same year my parent told me that I am a useless and unworthy. On same year, I got my anxiety. I want to be perfect so people can say good things about me, I want to be someone who put me as their idol or an example but I guessed it didn't happened. Every single day, I never gave up to be a better person but people always look down on me. When you really going to believed that you are changed because of some of your friends find you to help on things but in the end they leave me anyway. When I got sad, I had no one to talk with, I kept it inside me. When I needed help, no one would even be there for me. From a little bit of hate it turned to a huge where I become very cruel to others, become an anger person, I don't appreciated people, I don't even respected others and treat woman bad. To my dearest Annafiza al-Shahab, I don't expected you will understand or accept this but I am truly sorry about everything I did to you on those 10 months we have been together. The night that I pissed to you, I swear that I never meant every words I said to you. I don't expect you to forgive me because I never forgive myself for treating you worst in those 10 months. You suffered too much. I lived in regret today because I couldn't do things that I really wanted to do with you because of myself. I lived in regret because I pull you inside me to feel the pain. I shouldn't do that, it is a big mistakes. I didn't help myself when you really fought hard for me. I really don't mad for leaving me. You deserve a better life, wonderful love, dream guy that you want. I wish I was that dream guy you always wanted, maybe I wasn't. That night you told me that you are regret for having me in your life, I know that you mean't it, the way you said, you really want a better person. You said I remember every single words you said that night when you express everything out. I am sorry I couldn't be that guy. I wish I could do more and be better. I wish I really had one more last chance. I really wish that you fall for back to me. Let's build it together back again if you would come back. Everything are so different now.
My life full of mess. Probably when you read this, some of you must be think that there is other people are more harder. I am a human too, I had a broken childhood and I deserve a happy family too. Then God heard my wishes, He sent me down this beautiful woman, she really changed my life and myself. She really did and I really met the right person but I fucked up everything. I wasted every chances I had. I was so blind, dumb, stupid, ego and useless. I can't feel happy because everytime I want to feel the happiness, there is always sad things will ruined it. For 20 years I have lived, at one point where you felt really wanted to give up with life.It is sucks to face this all alone now. Everything are so heavy.
To those who reading this, you may be my friends, my closest, my partner or my wife. Here to everything I express every single things from my heart. The saddest, happiest and trouble moment. Before that, congratulation for found out this pages.
I was born in 29th June 1997 in Kuala Lumpur and were raised in military family. I supposedly should a sister but she won't exist due to miscarriage. I knew this when I was 9 years old, I may be child but that time I really felt the sadness inside me. If I have a sister, maybe my life would not be broken like this, maybe I could be happier because I have someone that could really cared about me. I had a broken childhood, where I always got beat from my dad, scold from my mum. What I always wanted was an attention and love from my parent. They never supported me in everything I like, maybe if I had a sister, she would always got my back. This loneliness really affect inside me until it created a monster of my own. It kills everything good inside me. Sometimes, I had an imagination that I talked to my own sister, sometimes I created my friends were real in front of me. It always happened when my parent do something bad to me. Everytime I wanted to go sleep, they will come into my life, they all weren't real but I really feel they were with me everytime. Normal? It's not normal when you are 9 years old. At this age, a kid would crave for love from family, attention and sometimes want to be clingy because that is how kid will acted. One day, mum found out that sometimes I talked alone in the room, crying, play toys with to a person that is not even existed. She didn't do anything except bring me to doctor. She somehow were changed, she treat me well better than before but it wasn't that long. After that, she being her old person back again and I start to feel the love and attention that I craved fading away. Few months, she had a mental illness.
As I start to grew up and getting older, the topic of conversation also getting matured. We are not talking about toys or play hide and seek or police and thief. The convo become to life, examination, sports, family and so on. When they start to talk about family, how good their mums, dads, having cool sister, protective brother and I also wanted to have the best stories. I was craving so much attention until I had to lied to myself, people so I can feel the compliments about having good family eventho it is not. It really affect my life until I lied on everything. Should be a super dad but he was an abusive, should be a wonderful mother but she never understand me, should be cheerful sister but she never existed and should be a protective brother but only existed in my own imagination. Sometimes, i cried at school, sometimes I don't feels like home is a home to me and sometimes I wish I never born into this world. Who knew, one day my own mum told me that she regret for having me as her son and dad sometimes he just hope that I walked away from this family and never come back. Those words when they said, it really does leave a deep scar inside me. I will never forget what they said to me. Since that day, my life were changed. I really changed me into real monster. A person that I never expected to be. People said, they don't meant every words that come out from mouth when they are mad. Since I am the only son in the family, childhood did not go well, should they treated me like this? When friends start to leaving one by one then I realize two thing about myself. Unworthy. Useless. When I get new friends, I really excited to have them in my life and I really want to make as a family. Shit happen always to me, they still leaving me and stab me from behind. From days to weeks to months, to years, I immune to all of this. To my friends as I treat you guys as family which is Takleh Relax. You know who you are, if you reading this, I am sorry for everything I did and acted. I realized that you guys wanted to help me through but you can't because of myself always rejecting people opinions and advice. I am sorry for pushing you guys away then blame it to you. I am truly sorry.
On age 15, where on the same year my parent told me that I am a useless and unworthy. On same year, I got my anxiety. I want to be perfect so people can say good things about me, I want to be someone who put me as their idol or an example but I guessed it didn't happened. Every single day, I never gave up to be a better person but people always look down on me. When you really going to believed that you are changed because of some of your friends find you to help on things but in the end they leave me anyway. When I got sad, I had no one to talk with, I kept it inside me. When I needed help, no one would even be there for me. From a little bit of hate it turned to a huge where I become very cruel to others, become an anger person, I don't appreciated people, I don't even respected others and treat woman bad. To my dearest Annafiza al-Shahab, I don't expected you will understand or accept this but I am truly sorry about everything I did to you on those 10 months we have been together. The night that I pissed to you, I swear that I never meant every words I said to you. I don't expect you to forgive me because I never forgive myself for treating you worst in those 10 months. You suffered too much. I lived in regret today because I couldn't do things that I really wanted to do with you because of myself. I lived in regret because I pull you inside me to feel the pain. I shouldn't do that, it is a big mistakes. I didn't help myself when you really fought hard for me. I really don't mad for leaving me. You deserve a better life, wonderful love, dream guy that you want. I wish I was that dream guy you always wanted, maybe I wasn't. That night you told me that you are regret for having me in your life, I know that you mean't it, the way you said, you really want a better person. You said I remember every single words you said that night when you express everything out. I am sorry I couldn't be that guy. I wish I could do more and be better. I wish I really had one more last chance. I really wish that you fall for back to me. Let's build it together back again if you would come back. Everything are so different now.
My life full of mess. Probably when you read this, some of you must be think that there is other people are more harder. I am a human too, I had a broken childhood and I deserve a happy family too. Then God heard my wishes, He sent me down this beautiful woman, she really changed my life and myself. She really did and I really met the right person but I fucked up everything. I wasted every chances I had. I was so blind, dumb, stupid, ego and useless. I can't feel happy because everytime I want to feel the happiness, there is always sad things will ruined it. For 20 years I have lived, at one point where you felt really wanted to give up with life.It is sucks to face this all alone now. Everything are so heavy.